What Am I Doing???

I was walking with my husband recently. I was talking. He was listening. He's good at doing that.

I told him that I realized something about myself lately. I have vision! I have ideas! I am bursting with so much inside.

Yet, I just don't know what to do with it. Or for that matter, when I have the time to do anything!

A doctor told me recently, that I should consider sending my kiddos to school and phase out homeschooling. His opinion had much to do with my body and it's issues. I saved all my tears for when I got out of the office and onto the phone with my husband.

"No, I'm not quitting," I told him, "I'm not giving up what I know is right for my children."

And so, I find myself at a constant place of inside turmoil. Knowing that I have been out of balance (love how this writer thinks, then again, I know her in real life and I love picking her brain whenever I can) for quite sometime. Enough so, that my body is protesting. Despising the fact, that I can't be just normal.

I know that I am more then just mom.

I read about a friend who just turned in his book to his editors. He's a couple years older then me, living out on the missions field with his family.

Jealousy rose up inside of me.

Mostly, because I know I am destined to do something life altering, world changing, full of love and truth.

I know raising these babies of mine should be enough. Most days it is. I'd sacrifice my life and all my desires to see them become Jesus lovin men with integrity. In my heart, I know that if that is the only thing that I have accomplished in my lifetime, I will have served my Lord well. I am aware of all of this.

Yet my heart still explodes with desires. And I realize, that I need to figure out what my balance really is.