Sunday, May 1, 2011

I Cried So Hard that....

the guy sitting next to me in church asked me if I was okay. Then he told me it would be alright and gave me the christian brother/sister side hug.

I have to laugh at myself, because I really was a blubbering mess and now that I look back at it, I think it is hysterical that some random guy that I've never seen before probably was wondering what in the world was wrong with me.

I was crying because of the missions video that was played during service today. It reduced me to a puddle, a large, bright red, blubbering puddle of tears.


It's still in me. No matter what, I can't deny that my heart is to travel to different nations loving people, sharing Jesus with them, and helping those in need. It is who I am and though the dream is not fulfilled, it will be someday.

When I hear messages like the one preached today, I get mad inside. Well, truthfully I get mad with God. I feel like the little kid waiting to be picked for the team. I keep raising my hand, jumping up and down and yelling, "Here I am! What about me! I want to go! I do, I do. Here I am!! Pick me! Pick me!"

Then I sit in a service like todays and I feel like God has skipped over me and picked someone else.

I left the service hurt again. Like the kid who didn't get picked for the team.

Until we went to our friends house, where I laughed and talked good deep God stuff and realized that timing is everything. His timing is everything.

So, I didn't get overlooked.

I'm not forgotten.

My heart is still on FIRE for Him. I still desire to see the lost ~ saved, the broken ~  healed, the hungry ~ fed.

There is much to be done, right where I am at. I must continue to keep my perspective of where He HAS put me.

Sometimes I am rocked to the core, tears pour out of me like someone turned the faucet on high. Yet I realize that I am alive inside. My hearts desires have not died. I have not lost sight of His desire for me. I am not ignoring Him or turning away from His commands, rather I am listening and waiting for when He finally picks me.

One day, I'll be jumping up and down, with my hand raised way up high. I'll be doing my dance and shouting, "Pick me God, I wanna go. Pick me!" And He'll look at me and know that the next assignment was created for someone just like me. I'll be that perfect fit, the one whom He has molded and carved, for that specific time. And He'll choose.........



  1. Awwwww, I love hearing your heart in this. And I totally get that feeling you are expressing - I remember it well while waiting for God to release us to adoption. And sometimes even still while waiting for the next one.

    Hang in there. You know the stuff: He hasn't forgotten you. He hears you. He knows your heart. And He has a plan.

    ...and in the meantime, you are doing a great job NOW of being faithful with the task at hand. You are forming and building little soldiers with great big hearts for HIS kingdom!

  2. Tracy - thanks for that encouragement. I was thinking this morning about how much I need to constantly keep my eyes focused on where He has me now. As much as my heart desires to love on others, I don't want to miss loving on the children that God has given me. I want to soak up every little minute with them. They are never second to my hearts desires, just PART of my heart. I do want to continually be faithful to what He has given me!