Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Testing the Waters

I haven't written in a long, long time. I'll be honest, I haven't even been sure if I wanted to come back. I've gotten to a place where I am trying to balance what I share and what people think or expect of me. So, since facebook was easy and relatively controlled, I decided to just keep it simple.

One liners, a few statements, and comments on other peoples statuses are all I've offered. I came so close to even shutting down my facebook page and saying good bye to it all. Some days I still think I'm going to do that.

But then... then I think about the true friends that I have all over the world and that facebook has been the most helpful in keeping in touch with them. I can't pull the plug... it's the way I talk to my dear friend in Holland, spy on one of my sweet friends in Washington state, learn of babies on the way, catch up with prayer warriors in Indiana, and chuckle over closer friends and their parenting wars.

So then, I thought perhaps I should end my blogging account. I haven't written in over 6 months and in some ways I've been too tired and exhausted, in other ways (here's my vulnerable self again) I've been scared. True to life's journey, I've experienced some serious struggles in this past year. That's my clue to shut down and stay quiet.

But then... then something in the pit of my stomach, the aching in my heart, head, and fingers, would tell me "don't do it." Don't shut everything down, don't quit writing forever.

Recently I've had several different people comment about whether I was going to ever get back on the horse and blog again. Inside my heart did two things .... ache and hurt ... all at once. I ache to write. I'm scared to put myself out there.

Yet, having people ask was a clue from the Lord. Maybe I do need to pick up my proverbial pen again.

So, I'm in a place of  "discussing" with the Lord the point of blogging for me. We are also "conversing" on my fear of judgement and some hurts I've picked up in the last year. I'm at a Y in the road. Should I blog again or should I find a new medium to write in? What's His heart on it all?

I'm testing the waters with blogging again. No expectations for anything, anyone, or even fully myself. Just gonna stick my feet in and see if this is where I belong.


  1. I LOVE your writings, just wanted you to know. And the insights and revelations you get along the journey, and the way you process things. Geez, I just love YOU I suppose. And I'm totally claiming the friend in Holland part. There :).

  2. I have come to the same "Y" in the road on several occasions. The things that I write about are very personal to me...and at times, I wonder if I am putting too much out there.

    However, the thought that what I have to say may help just one person (even if that person is me) keeps me going. I say... KEEP BLOGGING!

  3. Love your heart and the candid way in which you share. It does leave one vulnerable and I've found myself silent for awhile...kind of choosing to process offline right now. But that doesn't mean I'm gone forever and I have to say I was honestly thrilled to see you writing again...even if it's only a test. :)

  4. I totally get what you are saying. I have often wanted to start a blog but decided I probably already put too much ammo out there. :) And, I really don't have time at the moment. BUT I LOVE seeing glimpses of your heart & mind. You're the real deal. Jesus lover and hard runner after Him to the core... and real person to whom others can relate and learn from. It's beautiful. I recently heard someone talk about the honesty that we are shown in the scriptures. Like how the brave rock, Peter, was also a coward. And David who was a man after God's heart was also a murderer. We are all flawed and failed. And the scriptures are brutally honest about the problems and the redemption. So grace to you, friend. You're real. You're great. Whatever you're led to do will be right. But you have a fan in me!