Just an Opinion

You could shake a finger at me for how little I keep up with the news. I scan CNN a couple times a week, barely ever actually sit down and watch a news program, and I confess, I read a newspaper about 3 times in a month.

With all that said, I don't think you could possibly live in the state of Pennsylvania without knowing of the secret horrors that were unveiled regarding Penn State this week. Shock and sorrow are just two words that come to mind right now.

I've been reading an allegorical story to my kids about a kingdom, a hero, a princess, and a King. In the story, the princess makes a very unwise decision and chooses to go against a kingdom rule. Because of her choice, a consequence occurred that affected everyone that lived in that Kingdom, much like what is going on at Penn State. One man has done horrid things and a web of others who have made wrong choices in how to deal with those awful acts have affected an entire school, football team, and community.

Yesterday I was praying over my youngest boy. I love this child, as he is quite a little busy baby and refuses to be contained! I was praying many things, but suddenly the word: integrity gripped me. I began speaking that word over all three of my boys, my husband, and myself. I was praying that we would walk with integrity, that all that we do would be done in truth and with love.

I have no words for the man who did the ultimate crime in the Penn State case right now. But for all the others that had an idea of what might have been going on, I'm appalled. One choice to look the other way, one measly attempt at sharing information did not just hurt precious children, but so many others.

We have more power in our hands then we recognize. When we choose to not walk in truth, we are risking not only ourselves but a whole kingdom of other people.

The Different Squares of a Quilt

A long, long time ago I saw this woman who's life was vastly different then mine. She whittled everything down to what she could control, her body, her friendships, her family, what she read, what she did, even how she cleaned her house. It was all in this tight little box of how to handle life. The jobs that she did, she did well with much research, thought process, and care. No details were left undone with the few things that she had in her life. Methodical and straight to the point, her life was very black and white.

Today, I look at my life and see it as a bright, colorful, warm quilt. The kind you sit under on a cold winters day, reading a good book, and drinking a hot mocha. Yum. That is how I look at my life. This comforter has tons of different squares on it, with patterns and stripes, and pretty flowers. Each square represents a different moment or occasion of which I have experienced. It does not match. In fact, if you looked closely at the quilt, you'd probably might even think its ugly.

I've been struggling with feelings of being judged for choices we've made, the kind of life we've chosen to live. Some of it may be in my head, but in truth I've been told and outright asked and even straight up verbally judged on choices we've made. Who would want to write or share after that? Seriously?!!!

In time, I have worked through those things and come to some neat conclusions. I used to wish, that I had it all together in some nice neat step by step format or that I could be methodical and calculated. It looks good on the outside, I suppose. Yet for me, it's not.

My quilt is full of color because my life is. Of course, there are patches on that quilt that aren't the prettiest representing  perhaps an unwise decision or two. But most of my quilt is full of the most amazing and beautiful moments in my life;

the birth of each of my children
a small group of people who loved us when we were unlovable
birthday clubs
best friends whom I've literally peed my pants in front of
moving trucks from one state to another
11 different girls living with us
missionaries sharing a long weekend with us
Mexico and Ecuador
blind eyes that have been healed
deaf ears opened
Hispanic and low income children learning about Jesus
celebrating Sinter Claus
watching beautiful brides say "I do" to their husbands
homeschooling my boys while chasing a toddler
renovating houses
dancing with my husband to our song at least once a year
and so much more...

Perhaps, I don't have all the answers or a carefully constructed path with clear direction. But what I do have is a heart full of love and a head full of sweet memories of what I have experienced in life. My quilt is going to continue to grow and grow. The colors will be wild and not even somewhat related or planned out because that just happens to be who I've become. I'm smart enough to know, that there will be a few more dark patches on there, as when you choose to live a life that isn't perfectly planned, you're bound to make a mistake or two.

I wouldn't trade this life for anything. I like my quilt just the way it is, colorful, wild, whimsical, and not perfect.

Testing the Waters

I haven't written in a long, long time. I'll be honest, I haven't even been sure if I wanted to come back. I've gotten to a place where I am trying to balance what I share and what people think or expect of me. So, since facebook was easy and relatively controlled, I decided to just keep it simple.

One liners, a few statements, and comments on other peoples statuses are all I've offered. I came so close to even shutting down my facebook page and saying good bye to it all. Some days I still think I'm going to do that.

But then... then I think about the true friends that I have all over the world and that facebook has been the most helpful in keeping in touch with them. I can't pull the plug... it's the way I talk to my dear friend in Holland, spy on one of my sweet friends in Washington state, learn of babies on the way, catch up with prayer warriors in Indiana, and chuckle over closer friends and their parenting wars.

So then, I thought perhaps I should end my blogging account. I haven't written in over 6 months and in some ways I've been too tired and exhausted, in other ways (here's my vulnerable self again) I've been scared. True to life's journey, I've experienced some serious struggles in this past year. That's my clue to shut down and stay quiet.

But then... then something in the pit of my stomach, the aching in my heart, head, and fingers, would tell me "don't do it." Don't shut everything down, don't quit writing forever.

Recently I've had several different people comment about whether I was going to ever get back on the horse and blog again. Inside my heart did two things .... ache and hurt ... all at once. I ache to write. I'm scared to put myself out there.

Yet, having people ask was a clue from the Lord. Maybe I do need to pick up my proverbial pen again.

So, I'm in a place of  "discussing" with the Lord the point of blogging for me. We are also "conversing" on my fear of judgement and some hurts I've picked up in the last year. I'm at a Y in the road. Should I blog again or should I find a new medium to write in? What's His heart on it all?

I'm testing the waters with blogging again. No expectations for anything, anyone, or even fully myself. Just gonna stick my feet in and see if this is where I belong.

Getting My Head in the Game Today

Pic courtesy of morguefile.com

Image URL:

http://mrg.bz/lECYCf

Image URL:

http://mrg.bz/lECYCf

My husband and I text all the time. Seriously, we talk through the day back and forth, back and forth on our phones. He at work, me at home. We tell each other little snippets of what is going on, how we are. When I wake up in the morning, I usually get a good morning text from him.

I really love my man.

C: Morning my love....

Me: I really, really miss you today...

C: I'm with you. I'll be around lots after today. What r ur plans today?

Me:  Maintain my sanity... Work hard at enjoying my children...Put all my selfish desires aside.... Other then that, I don't know.

My husband works a rotating shift of 12 hours a day. He leaves before the kiddos get up in the morning and returns home when they've just gotten in bed. This job also requires him to work every other weekend.

I have such respect and admiration for single moms. I don't know how you do it....

Pic courtesy of www.morguefile.com

Image URL:

http://mrg.bz/qwwL5M

Image URL:

http://mrg.bz/qwwL5M

I love my husband. I love that he and I are a team, that we work together. I love that he compliments me and I him. I love that where I lack, he is strong.

We have small fevers, snotty noses, and sore throats in our house today. Originally, we had church, lunch with friends, and a baby shower on the docket for the day. Mostly all things that I was looking forward to personally.

This is where I'm trying to get my head into the game. Keeping it real here... This is where I'm trying to figure out the difference between complaining and my own selfish desires versus looking at the day and finding joy in it.

I'd like to go to bed satisfied tonight, knowing that I really gave my best.